I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
