i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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