I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
