Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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