There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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