Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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