This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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