we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
