Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
