A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
