DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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