I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Sober January is a disaster.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
