I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
