he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
