he puts the penis in happiness.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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