i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
