even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
