so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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