Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
