I looked at my own cervix.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
