I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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