Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
