It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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