WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
