Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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