dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
