What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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