You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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