im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
