Cold hands, warm shart.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
