they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
