he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it was like eating out sand paper
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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