last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
