in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
