my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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