We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
