And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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