Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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