Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
