Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
