Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
