i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I love you. Go after that dick
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize