I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize