You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize