I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
