I bet he comes in French.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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