i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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