That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
