I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
