I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
