And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
