Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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