i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
