I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
