Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
