my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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