Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
